freedom summer
the pursuit of balance, restriction and illusion, food and friendship, what makes an activist, radical habitus, and becoming truthful with ourselves
in an interview with toni morrison, she is asked to elaborate on her claim that it is the job of evil to keep her from doing her work. she goes on to describe a period after the presidential election in which writing was hard, she tried but couldn't, she says with a scrunched up face. then, a phone call from a friend on christmas day brought upon abrupt clarity that the precise time for artists to write is when it is hard, not when everything is sunny. she is able to laugh at her seriousness when she thinks of all those before and concurrent who write in prisons, under occupation, and distress. "and i can't write..? so embarassing."
i decide i'm going to make space to write, and then the day becomes 3 p.m., and i've decided it's hopeless since all the right thoughts and words have clearly dissipated by now. i involuntary gag when morrison and other writers suggest 5 a.m. rises dedicated to writing. it's so embarrassing. nonetheless, i am here stitching together scraps of an essay i've been too busy chewing over to write.
in pursuit of balance
this year, i committed myself to learning a few intermediate yoga inversions to satiate my proprioceptive sense, to feel my body in space and time, to feel strong and have fun and see progress. i may be addicted to progress and unfortunately, my algorithm knows this as much as i do, which is terrifying. i don't have tiktok anymore so i scroll on insta reels for 10-minute increments multiple times a day until i become nauseous and close the app in disgust. unfortunately, i am obsessed with watching yoga flow reels and seeing tips & tricks for inversions and other poses. i watch and watch until i am inevitably served a before and after weight loss journey montage, a leggings ad by some white girl with a ponytail and perfect teeth that ends with a lackluster "namaste." this is counteracted upon my record-fast scrolling and selecting "not interested", with content coined non-traditional body types hailing body positivity and more recently body neutrality. this carousel makes me dizzy.
before the pandemic, i was going to a cycling class at least 3-4x a week, exploring weight training, and increasing my protein intake. i felt satisfied, eating three meals a day consistently, sending gym pics to my boyfriend at the time, and enjoying the routine. i would go after lectures in the afternoons and after staff meetings at 10 p.m. on tuesdays. i distinctly remember when COVID-19 first began shutting down universities and college campuses' virtual reality was beginning; i was sitting in bed when a friend turned and asked "are you still going to go to the gym?"
i was unsure and volleyed the question back, to which he responded, "i mean, probably. i'd like to stay toned for the summer." we did not keep going to the gym.
like many others, this did not stop me from implementing at-home workout programs, neighborhood walks, and "getting back into running."
i traded the calorie counter on the gym bike for tracking steps and racking up isolated nike workouts at the sdsu turtle pond. i was also, again like many others, smoking a lot of weed; lying out in my bikini in the apartment complex courtyard, asking myself why i took everything so seriously and why it felt so good to just not sometimes. i haven't been back in the gym since and frequently assert that i could never go back. however, i am not yet safe from the health and wellness culture that insists i should be drinking mud water instead of coffee and ashwagandha to mitigate the side effects of being human in an overwhelmingly grief-stricken world.
one of my favorite friendship story arcs is that of my friend nicole and i. we both started as vegetarians during our first year of undergrad. for a semester or two, my entire friend group was vegan or vegetarian or some mix of whatever for some reason or another with made-up rules. famously, pregaming before a basketball game, our friend kelly was brave enough to proclaim "i'm definitely getting a hot dog tonight," to which i remember our group groaning in disapproval but ultimately being supportive. a few beers later, i wonder if we stayed for the whole game, we were all eating hot dogs covered in mustard and relish on the curb of vieja's arena. following this, our descent into abandoning restrictions around consuming animals began. we made many trips to eat wings and lick our fingers; to laugh at each other and say "it's just too good" as if we'd relinquished all free will for the secret satisfaction of buffalo wings. her dad would cook ribs and lamb kebabs which i couldn't resist and would accept purely to be a compliant, respectful guest.
i still eat a heavy rotation of plant-based meals, primarily due to my fear of salmonella and food poisoning. i eat bacon, bison jerky, and chicken curries without thinking twice. anything that nourishes me, usually in more ways than one, is not to be restricted. i bake a lot, eat a lot, stretch, and flip myself upside down to practice and achieve the illusion of balance.
i went on a hike recently with a taurus who works in healthcare, and we talked extensively about the urge to do it all in the pursuit of balance. is it even possible? we asked one another, musing about our desperate attempts to sustain hobbies and extracurriculars, our work, routine, and enjoyment. he mentioned becoming a little obsessed with pickleball for a few months— i replied that i could never because (1) i hate games and (2) i take things too seriously and it might soon consume my life without me realizing. he said "i wish i could commit like that." (no one has ever said those words to me).
on being and becoming an activist
in a world where what i do is inextricably linked to who i am, i feel an unexpected hesitancy to name my clinical career despite exhausting all my efforts to attain it. speech-language pathologist does not holistically encompass what i do and thus does not adequately address who i am. the word pathologist leaves a gross taste in my mouth, a remnant of its deficit-based undertones, which i always try to spit out quickly.
“As time went by I became more perplexed when confronted with the question: 'What do you do?' How do you explain to a conditioned ear expecting a one-liner that I am all this and so much more? Silently pleading, please don't box me...”
this qoute comes from activist, mother, gardener, educator, fellow lover of vermaculture, and more nirmala nair1. when i read this quote, i audibly ‘ooo’-ed; it felt so familiar gliding over my own voice, i read it aloud twice.
i always think i've found the correct answer that totally names the roots of my praxis with brevity. child rights activist. disability advocate. big sister. abolitionist. early childhood educator. great horned owl. researcher. harm reductionist. to name a few of my commitments; please don't box me…
what makes an activist?
social movement theory has explored the trajectories of individuals to describe the personal qualities or the background of what makes someone an activist. however, Dr. marcos emilio perez2 and i share a common curiosity about the foreground of activists. the foreground describes the experiences of activists that make them life-long participants beyond moments of madness. perez and others solidify that it is not just about what we think but what we do, and our experiences through activism that shape our commitment.
the reciprocal benefits of community work are enough to make some activists enjoy the acts, routines, and belonging of mobilization, despite symbolic wins or losses. finding activism you like is a protective factor for the longevity of involvement. for many, the 'seduction of participation' often begins with fulfilling a material need/capital or the scarcity of other options. however, many people come to a movement in need of something and stay for the gratification of community, empowering energy, and a haven from other violent and oppressive spaces. ultimately, a practice that centers on what action can be done leads to the increasing satisfaction of involvement, which fosters core components of individual and communal well-being.
one iron fellow and teacher discusses the pride she feels as a source of information and help; part of the people’s movement since 1990, she announces:
“in this neighborhood, even the dogs know who i am.”
many intrapersonal deficits people experience in the 'private sphere' (isolation, feeling a lack of agency, physical and emotional safety, and appreciation) can be fulfilled through organization and community involvement.
the experience of larger-scale movement work directly impacts individuals' dispositions and attitudes toward further activism. the participants in the mississippi freedom summer of 1964, were more likely to remain politically active in their work and personal lives for the following 20 years compared to volunteers who could not partake. activists are also more likely to pursue careers that align with their views, health, and human service positions or allow more opportunities for political involvement via flexibility/low-demand workloads.
Similar to the equation of theory + practice = praxis; what we think, what work we do, and how the work impacts our experiences creates the potential to be and become activists, a radical habitus3.
the radical and the revolutionary.
there has been a recent and terrifying misunderstanding about activism and the use of adjectives like radical and revolutionary. words do, in fact, mean things, and to ask ourselves the questions that call forth our truths, we must continue communally agreeing on and understanding the vocabulary surrounding political theory and activism as they are intended. radical from the latin radic, literally translates to 'root'; thus, a radical seeks to address the roots of a problem and advocate for the fundamental change of systems. revolution takes many definitions dependent on its word class and social use. as a noun (thing) it is the forcible overthrow of a government in favor of a new system. as a noun (person), a revolutionary is someone who works toward or engages in political revolution. in terms if social movements, marcus garvey and plenty more activists remind us that liberation will only be realized by ways of bloody violence and people-led revolutions. that is to say, true revolutionaries are not tweeting about burning it all down; they are burning it all down.
this is not to dissuade or degrade people engaged in radical work but to challenge and accept one's most authentic commitment to activism.
my attention is drawn to community/civic engagement circles, individual work, and interpersonal relationships/social media. first, the lack of relational practices rooted in self-proclaimed progressive ideologies within individuals' microsystems. bell hooks, speaks to this in communion: the female search for love, stating that she, and many other women, were often disappointed by the progressive men they had relations with as they frequently recounted feminist thought in the public sphere but still subscribed to patriarchal systems of dominance in their private lives. which leads me to question, how many people center their political thoughts in their relationships? my question continues: how does progressive thought extend to the public sphere of our work or activism and root more profoundly into the private spaces of our most intimate relationships?
the blurring of the private/public spheres via social media has encouraged people in progressive spaces to demand of others, usually whom they are not in direct community with, that they virtue signal their progressive beliefs; that they become the thumbnail of a singular leftist moral compass to absolve others of digging deeper. there is a demand for a visible stamp of approval to illustrate your public thoughts and emulate your politics. however, dissolving private and public spheres has revealed a truth of stagnancy. many of us, mainly speaking from the american viewpoint, do not embody at the personal level the leftist ideology prescribed to us by our favorite viral essayists. instead, there is an emphasis on your bat signal of regurgitating leftist theory and thought. are you sharing the right ig reels? does your politic extend further than that of what is trendy and acceptable on today's progressive internet? where does your individual and communal work fall on the spectrum of engagement?
i am not currently a revolutionary, and the title is reserved for a very few. i am someone who currently has chosen and committed myself to a life of radical civic engagement. The Work i engage in will not bring The Revolution but will strategize and imagine a thousand different ways to strengthen communities and weaken oppressive systems.
i have always dreamed of scenarios for how to save things.
i babysit a nest of red-shouldered hawk fledglings in my backyard. i google the local raptor rescue center, just in case. as a child, i used to fall asleep planning all the ways in which i would save my siblings from disaster, and became increasingly worried when my baby sister was born that i did not have enough arms or strength to carry them all. i planned alternate escape routes, just in case.
i have neural pathways that will not let me rest, until i know that even in my imagination, i have done everything i could.
i am splitting cookies with the people my friends love; we eat whole watermelons. i bring my favorite cherries to dinner and make a chocolate cream pie. we stand around and linger in goodbyes to finish off the rest of the fruit because throwing it out doesn't feel right. i fall asleep, my body a crescent moon with my cat pressed against me and i let her purring fill the hollow space of my belly. she is a shapeshifter and knows just how to make herself fit.
there is only me and my dreams, and the constant knowing that i will throw myself between the rock and the soft place of what i love.
Nair, N. (2004). On ‘being’ and ‘becoming’…the many faces of an activist. Agenda, 18(60), 28–32. https://doi.org/10.1080/10130950.2004.9674533 ( i have the pdf for anyone interested).
highly suggest reading the works of dr. perez about the Argentinian unemployed worker’s movement also known as the piqueteros. this essay is largely derived from my prolonged reading of his dissertation: Iron Fellows: Commitment and Activism in a Poor People’s Movement (also hmu for this pdf as well).
Crossley, N. (2003). From Reproduction to Transformation: Social Movement Fields and the Radical Habitus. Theory, Culture & Society, 20(6), 43-68. https://doi.org/10.1177/0263276403206003